Feb 14

Feb 14 Swipe Right for Allergies: Valentine’s Day Special

We all have things that we don’t necessarily share on a first date. How much is in your bank account, your address, how many children you want etc. For most of us, we want to put allergies on that ‘don’t tell yet’ list. I was that ‘don’t tell yet’ person. I never wanted to tell anyone I had allergies, until they got to know me, or at least until I knew they liked me enough to date me in spite of them.

Today, I usually tell my dates before I have even met them or on the first date. What has changed? I want someone to date me, regardless of my allergies. My experiences, including my allergies, have shaped the person I am today. I want to share with you why I bring up my allergies as soon as possible, in the hope that you might feel confident enough to do that too.

Weeding out the weak

A few years ago, I went on first date with two men within the same week. I had told neither of them about my allergies before meeting up but we planned dates that weren’t focused around food. The first was with Ben*. Ben and I decided to go on a river-walk date. We met up and went into a coffee shop for drink. It was his turn to pay for his coffee and just as he was about to pay, he picked up a bag of mixed nuts from the counter and paid. There was no time to react or discourage him from buying them. My mind was racing, “maybe he won’t eat it now, maybe it is for later”. As we walked to the door, I got up the courage and asked if he was going to “eat them now”. He said he was, but as the topic had already been broached, I told him about my severely nut allergy and asked if he would not eat them. He was completely happy not to and we agreed that later on we would get something for him to eat that was safe for me. We didn’t continue to date for much longer but speaking up allowed me to feel safe on our date, without worrying when and how I should tell him.

It is a mindset shift. When I was younger, I thought that my allergies were a burden and whoever loved me was a hero. A hero! I wouldn’t want them to ever go out of their way to make me feel comfortable, I would make sure that they were comfortable, even if I felt unsafe. I had stories in my head that I wanted to be “the chill girl” or most of all “the spontaneous girl”. I wanted us to explore the world together and if he found out I had allergies on the first date, maybe he wouldn’t want to do that. I was so afraid that if any guy found out about my allergies, he would cease to like me. That proved difficult in many situations involving kissing, meeting parents and parties. When I finally did tell some of them, their immediate response was “why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Some went running when they felt it was too hard, however, when you find the ones that show you that they will take on anything you do, when they show you how much they care for you by calling restaurants in advance or saving you ingredient labels, you realise that allergies are there for you to weed out the weak from the pack, and only the tough ones – the best ones – are left.

Allergies online

Remember I told you about two men, well the second one wasn’t so reassuring. Alex* was a lovely person, kind, fun to be around but I didn’t share my allergies on the first date. When I did, it was the 3rd or 4th date in and he used words/phrases that showed that he found my allergies difficult. I explained to him what I could eat, or what events I avoid - he repeatedly said “I could never do that.” He was saying, which I am sure lots of us have heard before, “I never want that to happen to me.” However, what I heard was “I couldn’t handle that. I couldn’t handle that it in my life.” Long story short, that was true and we did not have a happily ever after story. I wish I had spoken up earlier.

Social media and online dating has made it easier to meet people, but has it made it easier to meet the right people? The whole world is at our fingertips, we are spoiled for choice. I have been afraid that if anyone knew my allergies before meeting me, they wouldn’t see me as a person anymore. Whilst I had to work to be more confident with my condition, I also had to give my dates a chance before writing them off. If they leave after you told them about your allergies, would you want to be with them in the first place? My favourite piece of advice I have been given was for job interviews, but I think it works for dating - ‘You are interviewing them too’. When we go on dates, we want the person on the date to like us, but we should also think “Do I like them?”.

Allergies are a massive part of my life. They will be with me forever (even if grow out of them, my past experiences will stay). Would you want to date someone who doesn’t get a massive part of you? On top of that, allergies are serious; even an intolerance can be debilitating.

“Before you start to wonder if they like you, ask yourself “do I like them?” And use your allergies to do it. ”

Swiping right for allergies

I am not saying you should put your allergies on your profile or say it the first time you meet someone, but I am saying - tell them sooner rather than later. Most of us like knowing what’s coming, we enjoy knowing plans in advance. Allergies are so common nowadays - we still have a lot of advocacy work to do - but most people know the word ‘allergy’. It probably will not be a surprise for your date, however how you say it will affect their reaction. I like to talk about food first. Everyone eats, everyone has a dish they love. Ask about it. If that dish contains one of your allergens, tell them. Bringing it up in a nonchalant way, will help ease your anxiety and you will get to see how they react. I like doing it before I have given them my number or set up a date, so I know what I am getting myself in for and they do too. It hasn’t failed since started implementing this tactic; and at least I know that when I meet them, they will know a major part of my life.