Why I have survivors guilt…
Please read to the end to find links and a list of those who we have lost to food allergies from Lisa Rutter.
Why have I survived and others haven’t?
I have vivid memories of newspaper articles of someone dying because- they didn’t read the label the one time the product changed their recipe, they didn’t take their epipen when they went over to a friend’s house, they went to a party but their friends didn’t know about their allergies, they went out to a restaurant with their friends, they kissed on a first date… I have done all of these things, but I survived and they didn’t.
I didn’t understand why I was so afraid of death as a child. I cried in the middle of the night, screaming and having panic attacks through to my 20s when I really thought about me not being here anymore- I still get choked up admitting that because, in some small part of my brain, it’s still a very real fear.
How can we not have fear of death when every media story of allergies is about the worst case scenario?
This is not to say that the media shouldn’t be informing the public about how serious allergies are and how deathly they can be- we are a long, long way from global awareness. But I wish I could have seen the other side of it: someone eating out and going home fine, of someone getting on a plane and the stewards respect their allergies, or even someone getting into a long-term relationship where their partner understands their allergies and doesn’t hold them against the reactor, because that was my life! Yet, I still had fear, fear that one day allergies would take me too.
I used to believe I was next.
Now in my late 20s and after multiple anaphylactic attacks, the fear of death has changed to the guilt of living.
I am still grateful for the life I have been granted, and I don’t think it is about luck either. But the same way a plane crash survivor feels guilt about why they were the ones that survived, I feel that too.
Why was it me that the auto injector worked for? Why was it me that got to hospital in time? Why is it me that left that restaurant safely?
The only thing I have come to realise is that it is just what it is. I am not lucky because I survived, and I am not lucky that I got to the hospital. What I am is alive, and I believe it is a disservice to the people who have died if I do not live my life to the fullest.
I am grateful that I can be here and live my life and yes, there is some guilt, but mostly I feel ready.
I am ready to use the life I have to create change for others. I am ready to use my life to honour theirs. I am ready to stop being the victim and start being strong. I am ready to attack this life I have been given instead of reacting to it.
““Once you become fearless, life becomes limitless””
They deserve our life, they deserve for us to use the gift of living every single moment. They deserve it all. I won’t be scared anymore.
Thank you to every single person who has taught me to live by their death. I wish I didn’t need to write this, but I have and I will use this gift for good.
Natasha Allergy Research Foundation - Allergy Tsar
There are so many more over the years, and Lisa put a list together to remember them- whilst not everyone will be accounted for I think it is really important to recognise; not to elicit fear, but to spark inspiration to create more change:
No Nuts Mom Group - remembering those we have lost to food allergies
This was a hard blog for me to write and it had stayed in my drafts for a while. If you disagree with me, or have your own personal opinions, please share but please be kind. This my life, my thoughts, my fears, my trauma. Thank you for reading.
