Dear Diary, it's me Chloe.
Trigger Warning : Talk of death, mental health issues, and allergic reaction photos.
Chloe Dickson was born in london to a South African mum and a British dad. She and her mum moved to Brighton when she was one years old and they live there today.
Her allergic story starts off quite similar to a lot of allergy reactors. She had her first anaphylactic shock at 6 months, with a spoon full of frozen peanut butter (a classic in South Africa). There was no epipen and no diagnosis.
She went on to live around peanut butter, however, no longer ingesting it but Chloe was still reacting, to the smell. From then on, peanuts were no longer consumed around Chloe; nor were, all nuts, sesame, shellfish, kiwi, legumes - she grew out of: dairy, wheat, tomato, egg.
When Chloe first went into primary school, her allergies were handled very well, so well in fact, Chloe didn’t have an anaphylactic reaction for 9 to 10 years! She had developed asthma and eczema, which were quite uncontrollable, even to this day. She enjoyed her youth and experienced quite a normal childhood.
High school came as quite a shock to her. The school was double the size of her primary school, with teenagers who didn’t quite grasp the idea of severe allergies. They would constantly “test” her - opening snickers packets and nuts around her (without her knowledge). She had numerous reactions, and her mental health deteriorated. She spoke to counsellors and her social life was almost non-existent.
In college, the care free childhood was a distant memory. She was having an anaphylactic shock every two weeks - some where in the hospital (when she was just in the waiting room). She was no longer able to go to the cinema because of airborne reactions.
Chloe went into deep depression. She stopped communicating with her friends and her mum for 9 months. She wouldn’t go outside, for when she did - the minute she was out the front door - she would have an anaphylactic reaction. Imagine being 18-19 years old, supposedly living your best life and you had 50 anaphylactic shocks in that year! I haven’t had anywhere close to that number in my 28 years of life.
Her anaphylactic shocks were all different. Some she had to be incubated, some she was unconscious for, others awake and swollen. They diagnosed her with ‘Spontaneous urticaria’.* Urticaria is hives. If you are an allergic reactor you probably have experienced this. The sponatenous part was terrifying for Chloe.
Once she received the diagnosis they were able help her. They tried her on a trial drug which helped, she had less shocks. She only reacted when in contact with her allergen, which to her was a relief. She took her new found freedom and went to Australia for 9 months, alone and luckily, only had one reaction. The plane getting there was eventful as well, as the airline she was on, claimed to be a NUT FREE airline, yet they catered satay chicken (which luckily Chloe talked them out of serving), and then they refused to do an announcement - Chloe went around to the whole plane and asked them not to eat nuts, or anything else she was allergic to. “It was a long haul flight, and I had to get it done. They were very kind about it.”
This bring us to 2020. A year, not so great for the world, and it wasn’t so great for Chloe either. Chloe went through 30 EpiPens this year. She went off the trial drug when the course finished and it hasn’t been easy.
This is something that she has developed and right now her body can’t fight it off. Chloe feels “used” to the reactions now and she tries to live her life in between them. She is trying to make people more aware of allergies, but mainly airborne allergies. There is such a lack of knowledge and for her that is deathly.
She has missed out on many social occasions, she constantly has to be outside in the open air to try and elimate breathing in the same air as her allergen (seem familiar with what the rest of the world is doing at the minute). She has places that know her and stop serving her allergens when she tells them when she’s coming in. It has been increasingly difficult to find or even keep a job, and if anything changes in the job (adding nuts to a dish) she gets fired.
One great accomplishment is that she has worked really hard to make Brighton & Hove buses a PEANUT FREE ZONE! It is an incredible feat and another amazing step in having this world be safe for all reactors! Well done Chloe!
Please enjoy Chloe’s diary and at the end it is her mind map of all her thoughts!
Dear Diary, Its me Chloe
Dear Diary,
I feel pretty happy.
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I feel quite drained emotionally, and physically.
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I am angry and frustrated at the fact that people don’t invite me to things because they’re scared I’ll have a reaction
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Is it just bad luck? Why me? Why does no one else in my family have allergies? Am I the unlucky one?
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I am trying to see the brighter side- I know my mum has always been pretty good at encouraging that! I need to remind myself about the loving people I have surrounded myself with, and make sure I give back to them as much as I can!
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What about when my next anaphylactic shock? Where will it take place and how bad it’ll be? I am worrying the most about not having an obvious trigger - it could happen anytime, anywhere. If it does, will my friends remember how to use my EpiPen?
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Will I be meeting any new people today? What public transport will I be getting? What if I’m alone and I have a reaction? Will a stranger help? I know I self sabotage, thinking of harmful scenarios that make me not want to leave my house.
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I used to pretend my allergies aren’t as bad as they actually are; otherwise I’d just feel completely isolated and singled out - seen to be making a fuss.
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Sometimes I wonder about the people who have triggered my reactions. I wonder if they know they almost killed me? Do they even know I stopped breathing? Do they know what anaphylaxis even is? I wonder why the kids at school continued to bring nuts even when they were told not to? I wonder why they threw them at me? I wonder why people don’t believe me?
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Will I scare off new people? Will their thoughts about me change when they know how severe my allergies are? I know it’s added stress; will they think I am worth it?
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I am blessed, I have an amazing family, who live all around the world! Because of them I have been to South Africa, Australia, Canada, and Scotland! I’ll never take for that granted but sometimes I don’t feel lucky.
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I get angry , I get frustrated. I am annoyed at people who treat me different because they’re scared I’ll have a reaction. Jobs won’t hire me “You’re allergies are too risky”! It’s my bad luck. Why me? Why does no one else in my family have allergies? I am the unlucky one.
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I lie in bed thinking what it’d be like if I had no allergies?
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I work through my PTSD after each anaphylactic shock. But the memories, the memories I can’t seem to shake.
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Where I would travel if I didn’t have to plan where the closest hospital is? I am jealous, jealous of my friends who can travel to places like Asia and Thailand without being scared that they will die if they ever left the hotel.
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What foods would I enjoy if I didn’t have to worry about the ingredients? What do nuts taste like? Why is hummus so raved about? Do sesame seeds actually taste of anything? Apparently kiwi tastes like strawberries… What do strawberries taste like?
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I was out with some friends having a drink. I called ahead; I reminded the staff when entering the pub, I got my friends to sanitise my seat and the table, we sat in a quiet corner... I didn’t sit near anyone, yet somehow, somehow I had one of the worst reactions I’ve ever had in my life. HOW?
I felt myself going into shock, I call it impending doom. I went outside. My lips had swelled triple in size, people around me could see that I was unwell. However, the bouncers started to ridicule me, they took pictures, they pushed my friends and I over, poured the water, my friends had got for me, over the floor next to me. I was lying on the floor, unable to move; the only thought that was in my head was, “This is it. I could actually die this time.”
I heard laughter coming from the bouncers above me. Questions in my mind, but I couldn’t speak them. I thought- Has anyone called the ambulance? Is death painful? Will I see “the light”? How will my friends explain this to my mum? Why is no one helping me? I can’t breathe. How can people be so inhumane? How could they just leave me here? Have they shared those pictures on the internet?
I woke up in the hospital a few hours later. Never has the beeping noise from the hospital machines made me so happy.
That night, lying on a pub floor, in a pool of tap water, with grown men laughing and taking pictures of me- whilst I was on the edge of death - was the worst moment of my life.
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Did those bouncers ever think about me again? I wonder if their families know what they did? Do they even remember what happened? How many others have they mistreated? When will anyone take me seriously?
I wonder. . .
Will I have to die to make them understand?
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Dear Diary, it’s me Chloe.
*NHS informs
Chloe is also rasing money for the Anaphlyaxis Campaign by skydiving. “By doing the Skydive I hope to help towards normalising severe allergies and how they affect people in their day-to-day lives.”
Please donate, she is very close to her total. GoFund me page
Chloe
Instagram @peanutfreezone_