I have always felt like I was alone in this allergy world. Not one of my peers had allergies. My coping mechanism was to ignore them. I knew about them and had experienced the dangers if I ever went near my allergens but I tried to pretend I was just like everyone else.

My anxiety is always triggered after an attack. I have only had 2 anaphylactic (MAJOR) reactions since I was eight. I have had more health issues, and close calls during that time but my last anaphylactic reaction was in 2014. However, my anxiety has never been as high as it was in 2019.

After I decided that I wanted to put all of my efforts, resources, research into this blog and instagram I have had spikes of heightened anxiety when it comes to food, and less trust in people. Reading the news about the human errors, mislabelling, epipen shortages, auto-injectors failing it has given me extreme shut in mentality.

I am not agoraphobic but there are times I do not want to leave the house and I get in to a panic when I even think about eating out. So, I don’t go out as much, not even trying it. My thoughts are ‘People who have a single allergy are dying, I have several, what are the odds for me?’

I can understand that allergies are more common now and when portrayed in the media it is the worse case scenario, but that doesn’t relieve my stress at all!

I can’t imagine a time where I took risks, it feels like another person. I am hoping that with time and patience I will feel more comfortable in this world as an allergy reactor, but at the moment the world isn’t being to kind.

A few months ago I reached out to Jessica from @nutfreementality on instagram. She is such a strong advocate for allergies and she suffers from anxiety. We handle our anxiety very different, I eat everything homemade & a lot of food because I feel restricted when I am out of the house, and Jessica doesn’t eat much for fear that she will react.

Food fear shows up in different ways for everyone but it stems from a similar place. I wanted to talk to Jessica about how she handles her anxiety.

If you enjoy this, or want to talk more with either of us about the topic of anxiety, allergies or anything else; please leave a comment below or message us on instagram - thats where we do most of our talking! Jessica’s information is at the bottom of this interview, where you can find her blog as well! ENJOY!

Happy reading

INTERVIEW

When do you feel the most anxious when it comes to food? Why? 

I think it depends, but a lot of times it’s how I feel it at night. I think that has to do with a combination of the fact that my environmental allergies always seem to get worse around dusk, and the fact that my worst anaphylactic reactions have been around that time as well. I’m not big into trying new foods, but especially not a night. When there’s something new, I always feel safer trying it in the morning. 

I often get nervous when I am in loud or busy places as well. When I was little I did not do well with loud noises. I was always so, so quiet. I’m not really like that anymore, except for certain situations when I’m supposed to eat and there’s a ton of people around me. I think I just get overwhelmed and I worry about getting out of a situation safely if something were to happen. I get this a bit in traffic too.

When did you realised you had food anxiety?

It’s a little bit strange, but I would say that there’s been like three different major times in my life I have realized this. The first time I can recall was when I was five and I had a reaction at school. It was my classmate’s birthday and she brought in cookies to share. The teachers weren’t paying attention, and I decided to try one after she told me they didn’t have any peanuts. But turns out the chocolate chips were manufactured in a facility that processes peanuts and I started to react. For the first time in my life, I really “got” the depth of my allergies and the importance of reading labels and not accepting anything without a label. After that I was so scared to be in the same room as peanuts (I was only allergic to peanuts until age 12) but also nervous about food in general. I always wanted my mom to be there with me when there was food.  

At some point, I started being a tiny bit braver about food. I have always had anxiety about food since then, but until I was 12 and had to use the epi-pen for the first time, it was fairly mild. That reaction was caused by walnuts, something I had always been able to eat before. I found out I developed an allergy to tree nuts and coconut the hard way. So from that, I became so terrified to eat literally anything because no longer were there “safe foods” guaranteed to be truly safe. I had no idea I could develop allergies until that reaction, and the reality of that still haunts me today sometimes. I had to go through therapy in order to get me to eat again, and I lost a LOT of weight. 

Then, finally, I had the re-realization that I was experiencing it again when I started my allergy instagram talking about my life with food allergies. When I first started out in October 2018, I started to learn things about food allergies that I never knew before. Things like that heat and exercise could make a reaction worse! And after following a few accounts that used to fear to catch their audiences, I just got really fearful, and I didn’t realize until it was too late. It was like a reminder of how scary food allergies were every single time I opened instagram, and I’m still sort of getting back to less disordered eating now.

What are the most annoying times it comes up? 

Anytime it feels like the anxiety for food messes with my personal life or just everyday activities. Sometimes I get itchy out of the blue, and it’s likely environmental allergies, but often times I worry that the reaction might get worse. So during those times, I take lots of antihistamines and I stay at home. It’s frustrating feeling like I can’t go out. It’s also caused some conflict between my boyfriend and I. Just because I get scared even when he makes me food sometimes and he gets sad that I won’t eat what he makes for me. He has allergies too, and he is the personality that likes to take care of people. It makes me sad sometimes when the anxiety is just so strong that I just can’t possibly try his food. 

Are you using actionable steps to help?

I would say so. I’m back in therapy again and I am learning as much as I can about my anxiety disorders. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder when I was five years old. At age 20, I was also diagnosed with panic disorder. It’s been a rocky road learning how anxiety and panic can manifest in me. I had no idea before that they could mimic so many of the signs that I look out for in anaphylaxis. I also am learning techniques on how to stop a panic or anxiety attack before it gets too bad. Things like counting everything blue in a room or holding an ice cube in my bare hands actually helps a lot. It forces me to be present and not get overwhelmed with worry. I have a bit of a ways to go, but I have truly made a lot of progress in the anxiety department. Anxiety is so rough sometimes, but I think also sharing it on my instagram and blog has helped me process it a bit better too. 

What is one thing that always causes your anxiety? 

Even though I know I have environmental allergies, having my throat get itchy out of the blue definitely makes me worry a lot. There’s always that little voice inside my head that questions if the itching is caused by environmental allergies and not something I ate or touched. I also worry about cross contamination and that’s basically why I stopped eating at restaurants for a while. And I am so careful of what I touch when I am out and about because I’m always afraid I might touch the wrong thing and end up having an issue. I sometimes get scared in moments where I feel like if I were to have a reaction that I wouldn’t be able to get out right away (like traffic). I think driving too, in general, is something that concerns me.

What do you do in the moment when the anxiety comes up? 

Well I think the first thing I have learned to do is try to distract myself. I’ve realized that even if I am having a serious allergic reaction, I need to be as calm as possible so that I can medicate myself and communicate what is going on to others around me. I try to count things in the environment around me, I’ll hold an ice cube, and go on my phone a lot too. I like to text or call my boyfriend a lot too if I am not with him. Since he has food allergies himself, he knows what it feels like, and how fear can be in the moment. So he’ll talk to me and help me determine if it’s just anxiety or something to really be worried about.

Are you fearful of the future? 

Oh yes! With all my anxiety disorders, my brain just likes to worry! I do worry about some of the big things like having kids, or growing old. Sometimes I worry that I might not get the chance to have that. But I do the best I can to simply acknowledge the present and all the blessings I have in my life right now. If I don’t, the fear just takes over and I don’t want that.

What would you say to someone dealing with food anxiety? Or even just anxiety? What is something you want people to  understand? 

Don’t ever tell yourself “it’s all in your head” because anxiety is very much a real thing that can cause physical symptoms. For the longest time, I felt really dumb for having food anxiety, and even just anxiety in general. And I also struggled with different sensations, mood swings, and discomfort for a long time because I had no idea those were all caused by anxiety. Anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of. Having anxiety and managing daily life does not make you weak, it makes you strong! Anxiety can literally cause people to feel nauseous, to have trouble seeing, to get really cold or really hot, to feel like you are going to faint, and to feel so disoriented. It causes real, physical symptoms that can cause even more anxiety! There are many doctors that don’t really understand this. If you have anxiety at any level, I would definitely recommend a therapist because they help out a lot. They help you understand things you feel and why.

Name something that brings you peace? 

Music for sure! I love listening to relaxing rain and piano music when I am really stressed. They help me out a lot. There are also a lot of free youtube videos with affirmations and meditations that help too. And painting!

Name a food that doesn’t bring anxiety? 

Usually basics like boiled chicken, rice, hard boiled eggs, and stuff like that. But I think it also depends on the day and who and where these things are being prepared by!

Name an activity that doesn’t bring you anxiety? 

Painting and singing! Singing is my absolute passion in life and for the longest time I actually thought I wanted to be a singer. Painting is something I have tapped into more recently and it’s seriously so therapeutic. I can spend a whole day painting and it’s so much fun and relaxing. 

Where can people find you? What’s your mission? 

For now I am most active on instagram at @nutfreementality. I also have my own website and blog, found at www.nutfreementality.com. In October of 2019, I held a Teal Pumpkin Painting Party at the Morgan Hill Library in California, and I will be doing it again this year in 2020! I mostly want to spread the word about food allergies, and discuss all the hidden struggles of it like anxiety, and how it impacts day to day life. I also want those who have food allergies to know that they aren’t alone in their struggles. I’ve also discovered that sharing details about my life gives a lot of parents with young children hope for the future lives of their allergic babies. Hope and validation is really one of the best gifts I could give somebody in my opinion. 

A quote or saying that you love? 

I’ve always felt a connection to the Norman Vincent Peale quote, “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.” I think life is about reaching for as far as you can dream. And I’ve always been a little girl with BIG dreams (even now I’m only 5’1” haha). The idea that going out into the world and trying to make a difference will result in some sort of good feels really validating and inspiring. 

Jessica Carrillo of Nut Free Mentality

California, USA 

Instagram @nutfreementality

Website: www.nutfreementality.com